What's going down in the Mound???

Dear sweet people, 

I'm still alive and well.  I've needed some time to process every possible emotion known to man. I had no idea that some of these emotions exist.  I'm still having more good days than bad. I'm so thankful for that. Since, the surgery I'm having some very unusual pain. Most days I can't explain what's hurting or how it's hurting.  I just know it's pain. I have more decisions on the horizon. The answers are not easier or clearer even at the thought of death.  Ok, enough of that.....

 I can't tell you how carefully The Lord put everything together. I'm truly amazed at His goodness. I moved to this neighborhood to join a group of people serving in a way that I felt called to serve. Never in a million years would I've thought The Lord would call me to leave my home and move to a place that scared me. I don't know how I thought I could serve over seas but not serve the least of these in my own city. God is continuing to transform my heart everyday. This Sunday we hosted our house church because some of our leaders were out of town. We enjoyed every second of it.

We had a good time of fellowship, worship and studying God's word. 

The Mr. and I decided this should be a fun filled week because of some changes in my care. The changes will be more intense than they already are. I'm so glad he and I are able to look pass our differences to make this week special for the kiddos. Spending time with him as a family is always bittersweet. 

This is us at the zoo Sunday night. The zoo has a special night for members only and it's always a fun time.  The Mr. came over two days in a row to help me with things around the house. Our relationship is so challenging but comforting in a familiar type way. There is no denying some things he just "gets" because we're 15 years in to this! Sigh.

We have a few other special things planned this week, the fair is one of them. I'm praying God will give me strength to endure and enjoy this week. I'm praying that the pain will be managed well so this week will be memorable for my babies.

I'm so thankful that God hasn't left me. I'm thankful for meals that I don't have to cook. I'm thankful that I'm getting better at recognizing how I feel.

Full house and full heart!

My house has been buzzing with the sound of friendship and laughter since 9:30 am. The day started with a few ladies coming to help me clean. They didn't have much to do ( they were not happy about that). It was humbling of course. However, after 9 days of bed rest I was so happy to see people!!! They could have been coming to do anything. I would have been happy. One of the ladies left flowers on my porch this week, one of my favorite things.

Not the best photo but you get the picture.

One of our house church parishes blessed us with a deep freezer. I may have blogged about that already but here's my beauty: 

Who knew what a difference extra food storage wood make? I haven't found "the" spot for it in our house. I can't even think about about it! I couldn't wait to go to "The Big Box Club" to fill this baby up. It's so nice not to unpack my normal freezer to get one thing out.

I had a couple of good days this week, on one of them I created a card holder. I used an antique window frame and chicken wire. My oldest helped me out a lot. I was too weak to do all the staples. 

I put it on the empty wall above the freezer. That dresser was there before the freezer.  This frame reminds me of all the people praying for me to get through this cancer battle.

My niece spent the night, my sister came over, one of my best girl friends came over and the Mr. came over too! I know I'm leaving someone out, but you get the picture. I loved every second of it!!! 

So tonight I'm thankful for people that fill my house with love and laughter. These people are walking testaments of God's love. They let me cry, they allow me to say crazy (kinda scandalous things), they keep me accountable and they remind me that I'm apart of God's family. 

God is good

Things have not gone as planned. I've made decisions that went against my convictions concerning the cancer. However, I don't want to leave the wrong impression, be a Debbie downer or not give God the glory. God has been so faithful to me and my family durning this season. I've learned more life lessons in 2 months than I have in a lifetime. 

I've seen God use my situation to minister to others. I've had people impressed with how well my church communities have stepped up and cared for us well. People are bringing yummy dinners to my house, checking on my kiddos, running errands and the list goes on. I even had a friend to bring fresh flowers over and leave them on my porch.

I love fresh flowers and these make me so happy. 

One of the other intentional neighbors took my girls out for a "girls day"! They had a blast.

My sweetnesses at the mall with Kali. 

They needed a break, the girls keep telling me running a house is hard work!! (Duh) 

My aunt came from Nashville for a visit. She bought me the softest day gown/loungewear and candles for my room. That was a pleasant surprise. Here lately I haven't been able to get a few things I've wanted because we've needed so many things. Loungewear was on the list of wants and God provided. He cares about every detail. Sometimes it's hard for me to conceive God of the universe caring about every little detail of my life. ( and I have lots of details because I'm all about the fine details) I did nothing to deserve it. I often take it for granted. I rarely trust in it enough. When I'm faced over and over again with surrendering, God's love me makes it a little bit easier.

I'm thankful for small things that make me happy. I'm thankful for the lessons. I'm thankful every time this situation is used to glorify God.

Trust is a must.....

Today I'm suffering with deep, deep feelings of regret. I really should have listened to that small still voice, I should have paid closer attention to the goose bumps and I should have trusted the God in me. The surgery went well, but I had to stay over night. Staying overnight wasn't part of the plan. I was so disoriented when I came off the anesthesia, I was shaking violently. That is part of the reason he wanted me to stay overnight.  

When I got out of surgery I was greeted by a sweet friend (more like a mom) Mrs.Cindy. She stayed with me until my parents got here.  I was also surprised by the Mr. I was not expecting him to come at all. Funny thing (in a sad kind of way) yesterday would have been 15 years of marriage for us. I can't believe it's been a decade and a half. He cared for me until my sister arrived, she stayed the night with me.

After surgery photo!!! E and J.

My dear friends please, please listen and trust the voice of God. Trust even if it goes against what's poplar, mainstream, or even considered wise counsel. Now that I've undergone this procedure I will more than like have to give up my natural remedy. I'm sad, discouraged and feeling how disappointed God must be that I didn't follow Him. I've known since the beginning which route I would take but I fell under the pressure of pleasing people, fear, and lack of discernment. 

Please pray for me.

I'm thankful for sweet nurses! I'm thankful for grace and that God will use this for his good.  

Trusting the Holy Spirit

Today I'm having surgery, I wish it was an easy decision. This really feels like I'm going against The Holy Spirit. Today I wish I was more confident in discerning His voice. This morning I feel unrest. I know God will work all things together for my good. I'm praying this over myself. Although I'm unsure, I know that He will still get the glory and work this for my good.

I'm thankful for my sweet team. Especially Amy and Cindy who are up and out with me at 6:30 this morning. Amy even has a baby in tow. I'm thankful for my children, the are my biggest supporters.

Pre- surgery photo!!!! It's not cute but we're here and ready to get this party started!!!!

I'm still here

I just needed a break! I've been out of sorts, a little beside myself and dealing with emotions that aren't easily controlled. Today has been a good day. I was able to take a day nap, visit with my sister, have time with my son and girls night out with a friend ( much needed). 

This week was rough, I started the natural remedy this week. It's been quite the challenge. It's hard to keep up with all the steps but I'm trying! I've also scheduled a surgery to move my ovaries. Surgery is this Wednesday, I'm not really ready but I'm moving forward. I really want the natural medicine to work and not have to do the next phase of treatment. I'm planning for the worse( that's why I'm having the procedure)and hoping (praying) for the best ( that's why I'm continuing the natural process)! Today the nutrition counselor called with a few words of encouragement. One thing she said stuck out, most women with reproductive type cancers usually have unforgiveness, trauma, or unresolved issues with a man. These issues are bottled inside and manifest as cancer. Hmmm...... We just might be on to something. 

I'm thankful for wieghtloss (43 lbs)! I'm thankful for discernment. I'm thankful that each day I'm closer to knowing what to do. I'm thankful for every donation. We have needed every dime!  

I've set up a gofund me account! It's awkward but we do need help to get us through this season.    Www.gofundme.com/EsterBradford 

Angry phase

I didn't get much sleep last night. I am not really sure if I slept any. My brain is racing with so many thoughts. I will try to share some of those thoughts with you. 

First, I'm starting to become so overwhelmed (and slightly freaked out) by all of the help (love and support). This process makes me vulnerable and I hate it. I've spent a portion of the night thinking about how I can not need help. I've been thinking about shutting down this help operation. I don't want to need this much help and have people in my space ( business). I've had to discuss all sorts of personal matters, it's like a public display.  Secondly,  I hate the one sidedness of this all. The majority of my team are not on board with my chosen path of treatment. Therefore they are choosing not to financially support that decision. It really sucks. It sucks that no one( I'm being dramatic, I do have some friends on board) is helping me fight for restorative care. People in general are eager to sign me up for destruction (to my body). It makes me sad on many levels. I hate that it's the norm and that the gentle/restorative/wholistic path isn't the norm. I'm jumping out on a limb here, but I've never been so close to changing my views on pro-life ever. It's my body and I should be able to make an educated decision to do whatever I feel is  best and I should be supported in every way ( financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically). It has left a distaste in me. I pray that when it's my turn that remember this and how it made me feel. ( disclaimer : this is not a sin issue)  Lastly, I really just want my life back. I might be going through what's called an anger phase. I'm angry that I need help, I'm angry that people feel entitled to an opinion, I'm angry at the awful cancer treatments. I'm angry that "they" feel like five years is success, I'm angry that one of my bosses is forcing me to take a break, I'm angry that my children are going through this, I'm angry that people don't understand why I want to save my body parts, I'm angry that I have to defend my position ( when it's my body). I angry that I'm too polite, my convictions are strong and I'm steeped in southern grace to tell people how really feel. Im sure if I wasn't a Christian I would be cursing well meaning people out (all of the time). I'm angry that I've lost 40lbs and my belly is round as ever.

I'm thankful that I can see the bigger picture. I'm thankful that deep down I know this is for my good. I'm thankful that I have friends that are not easily offended by my anger. They love me anyway. I'm thankful that I don't have the money to run away. 

The rubber meets the road

Why do I feel like I'm in an unsaid power struggle with cancer? It's like each day we're one up-ing each other. Today cancer got a point. 

I met the new radiology oncologist today. He was such a nice man. He's a Christian, which is a plus!! He gently explained my treatment options and what he thought was best. It was hard, very hard. Part of what made it so hard is I know he feels like my life is in his hands. ( of course The Lord's hands) but I could feel his pain as he spoke with me. He said "I'm so sorry" 4 times. I really felt he was sorry I had to go through this. My heart ached for this doctor who cares for his patients well. He knows death, he knows defeat, he knows heartache, he knows how much cancer takes. I wanted to pray for him. I'm going to do that tonight.

Right now I hate that this is not just happening to me, but my community. I feel like I'm making my community weary. I wish I could be like the majority and agree to treatment. I wish the attention wasn't on me. I wish this would go away or I could run away. I wish I didn't have to give up so much. I wish, I wish, I wish.....I'm sure God wishes he didn't have to sacrifice his son for wretched undeserving people. I will do whatever God wants me to do, I will sacrifice whatever God requires. I will trust Him (even in the dark place). I will allow healing in my brokenness ( especially my heart). I will, I will..... The Lord will return for his bride.

I'm thankful for hard days that draw me near to God. I'm thankful for a Christian doctor. I'm thankful that tears are healing.

A Beautiful Life

Yesterday I got to share my testimony at church. Every summer we do A Summer of Testimonies. Each Wednesday night one of the ladies shares their story and presents it around our annual theme. This year our theme is, "It's a Beautiful Life". I was every excited to share how God turned my ugliness to beauty ( for HIS glory). I was a mess, I'm still a mess. God is writing my story, I'm so amazed at the details! He's the best author I know. The ladies gave me this sweet mug: 

Only God can make this life beautiful!

Cancer,cancer oh how I hate thee. This sums up how I'm feeling. This week has been super uncomfortable, I'm praying for relief. I'm having moments of sadness when I think about what this disease is taking from me. I'm having moments of anger when I think about how this is changing my family ( especially my children). When I'm done having my moments I go right back to knowing God is here with me, He is in control, He knows my pain and sorrow, He is a healer and His strength is perfected in my weakness.

I'm thankful for every person that's offered to sit with me during treatment, I'm thankful for my ladies Bible study, I'm thankful for the will to press forward.

Lake House

I've been MIA for a few days, it was much needed! I felt anxiety trying to creep in and over take me. A few days ago we took a very impromptu road trip to South Carolina. If you know me IRL you know I hate driving, especially on the interstate. It's not that I can't do it, but it makes me soo very nervous. It's really a control issue. I can control my car, but not the others. I can't anticipate what they're going to do next, ugh. Control, control why must you taunt me? 

We had the most amazing time on the lake.

This is the house, and I lived in the screened porch most of our stay. I loved looking down on my little ones playing in the lake.

My children enjoyed tubing ( I did too), water skiing, and canoeing. It was so nice to get away from everything. I felt God's presence everywhere! His beauty was evident in the lake, mountains, trees and calm peacefulness. I was moved to tears so many times on the trip. I also got to spend time with friends that are moving to North Africa. It was bittersweet because we'd already said our good byes! Saying it twice is hard.

These are the friends that paved the way for me to become an intentional community missionary. They lived in an urban area for several years. Right before they left I spent a lot of time with them learning as much as I could before it was my turn to live it out. I'm so thankful for their discipleship in this area. I'm going to miss them and their sweet family!

Today I had a very tragic experience! I witness a lady run into traffic and get hit by a pickup truck. Her body flew in the air and she landed right in front of my moving car. I screamed Jesus, I know he stopped my car. I prayed ( more like saying Jesus over and over). 911 was called, they made it quickly. She wasn't moving, I'm still praying. Please pray for me, the vision is etched into my brain.

Today I'm thankful for life, how quickly it changes. I'm thankful that I could go to work after being off 2 months. I'm thankful for friends that helped with my getaway. I'm thankful for church friends,old and new friends that are helping me out during this uncertain time. Asking for and needing help is so very hard for me.

Today

Today for the first time ever, I felt like choosing chemo/radiation. I was having the most pitiful pity party ever. Today every single piece of green food tasted like grass, every piece fruit made me nauseous and juicing made me gag. The thought of doing this forever, made me want to cry! The truth is I'm going to want a slice of birthday cake, I'm going want to dine at fine restaurant for ladies night, and I love fruit cobblers in the summer. Today chemo felt like taking an easier road, I'll be sick for a few months but I can have what I want. In case you didn't know, the evil one is real. He appeals to the flesh. He kicks you when you're down. He knows he's defeated but he tries anyway. I didn't give in to this temptation. I wanted to. I entertained it longer than I should have. I felt sorry for myself (cue the violins)! The Lord is my Shepard and I shall not want...........

I'm thankful for discernment. I'm thankful for the Shepard that watches over me. I'm thankful God's strength is perfected in my weakness. 

What would I do if it were my child instead of me?

People keep asking me, " what would you do if it were your child?" .  The answer is the same, I would prayerfully choose what I felt was best.  The choice I am making is what I feel is best for me.  Guys, this is not easy! I am trying hard every day to get my life back as close to normal as possible. Normal now consist of juicing 100 times a day, going to the ladies room 101 times a day, going to the store replenish fresh veggies/fruit a million time a week, praying (more), relaxing just because it's good for me, getting enough sunshine, and reading natural books about food.  My normal seems like a distant memory.  I am asking The Lord to show me the "new" normal.  I thrive on routine. I need a livable routine because  this one is not working.

Enough about "C", I have a couple of things I'm really excited about.  First, I had a phone type interview.  I am prayerfully considering becoming a support manager with Classical Conversations.  We participated with CC this fall and I really like it.  I even tutored.  I didn't quite understand the method but now I am seeing the fruit of what my children learned while in CC.  I really think being a Support manager fits my personality.  I LOVE loving on moms, homeschoolers and God's people. That's exactly what I would get to do in this role.   I also called my director and let her know that I am planning to return in the fall.  I miss my little kiddos.  I hope she'll let me loop up with my babies.  We are also planning to host  Backyard Bible Club.  It's like VBS in the yard.  I am so thrilled about that and so are my children.  I haven't start planning but I have started praying.  The last thing, we are having our first PARTY!! It is no secret, I LOVE parties.  We are hosting a neighborhood 4th of July party.  These little joys give me something to look forward to.  It helps keep my mind occupied.

I am thankful for the few exciting things I listed above.  I am thankful for my sister who drove across town to bring me 2 items from Walgreens when I wasn't feeling good.  I am thankful that I am starting to feel better.  I am thankful that veggie juice is starting to taste "good". Lastly, I am thankful that one of the intentional neighbors had a key to my house.  I locked myself out the other day.  It was not fun.

Fired!

I should have seen it coming! My oncologist decided after our "talk" yesterday, that we were not a good fit. I was prepared for him not to stay on the case, but he was so harsh. He was not willing to hear me out. I thought all doctors knew that if you don't build trust with the patient you won't get very far. I had to sign several things acknowledging our separation. 

It was so unsettling how quick he jumped to this. He didn't even attempt to get a better understanding. Little things like that chip away at my faith in healthcare. Instead of being angry I used it as a catalyst to pray for doctors, their teams and other healthcare workers. In the mean time I have scheduled appointments with 2 other oncologist. I don't know what my hope is for either of those appointments. Maybe, I  just one of them to listen and try to understand my point (and be okay with disagreeing). I know the standard protocol is to offer chemo radiation therapy. It would take a divine intervention to get me to that point. I don't want to die now but I'm not afraid of death either. Oh death where is your sting.....

I'm thankful for this sweet notebook my friend put together for me:

It has a few pages of decorative scriptures. It's so thoughtful. I'm thankful that the Elder (and his wife) of my house church are so invested in my family and my health. I'm experiencing community in a new way. God knew what I needed. I'm thankful for blessings that keep coming in my mailbox. I have needed every card, gift card, coupon, and word of encouragement. 

When the team doesn't agree.....

The last few days have been challenging. My sweet mom is worried about me. It's to be expected, I'll always be her baby regardless of age. She's not quite on board with my chosen path. I'm not surprised, she's a nurse. My mom has seen many things as a nurse, death being one of them. She really wants me to do whatever I can to stay alive. Actually we want the same thing, we just have different ideas on how to get there. It's not easy to see my mom hurting, worried and scared. It's even harder to know that I have something to do with what she's feeling. Jesus. Jesus is the only balm that will give her comfort. He's the only one bringing me comfort. I know that physically I have cancer but this is about so much more than the cancer itself. This is my walk on water experience. I've stepped out of the boat, and now I must keep my eyes on Him. I know if I look to the right or left I will sink. I've locked eyes with my maker and he's calling me to deeper waters. With one foot in front of the other I'm making my way right to the place he has called me. It's not easy, it's unconventional, it's radical and many won't understand. Heck, I'm still trying to understand! The only comfort I can offer is that my hope is  in Christ. I trust Him with my life. I'm not anti-medicine, I live in a community of doctors. I am anti poison, which in my opinion that's what chemo is. I am willing to reasses as necassary. I'm not say I'll never do chemo. I am saying I don't have peace about it at this time. I will listen to any compelling argument, data, statistics and stories with an open mind and heart. However, we may have to agree to disagree. If you think that will hurt our friendship, I would rather be your friend!

Today I'm thankful that each day I have more clarity and resolve than the day before. I'm thankful for my relationship with my children. I'm thankful that my children know Christ and their faith is rooted in Him. 

What the Kale!!!

My friend called me the other day and said, " I'll have some kale for you on Thursday". I never imagined that it would be a huge sackful, garbage bag size full!! I was so thankful (and a little overwhelmed )!!! I'm cleaning it now.  I'll have to freeze some and get a thousand recipes for the rest. Right now, kale = cupcakes!!! Yummy kale!!! ( that was a joke, I like kale but ummm.......) 

I also had another sweet friend offer to grow me some kale and anything else that would be helpful. Wow, I don't deserve such sweet friends. I love each and every one of them. Seriously, this is hard!!! Really hard. I wouldn't be able to do this without experiencing God's. He often uses my friends as an expression of His love for me. 

Let me tell ya, I have NO idea what to do with people and their cancer advice. I really, really don't. I also don't know how to respond when people tell me about all the people they know that DIED from cancer. I like to talk and I'm never at a loss for words but, I think I've met my match. The blank stare seems a bit rude but that's all I've got. Usually I'm thinking scriptures in my head, but in the moment I stand before them in shock. ( why are you telling me death stories) I know they mean well, really I do. That does not make it easier. Every person's journey is different.

I've decided to get the PET scan. It's Monday. I really don't want to get it. So, on Monday don't come around or I might harm you with my radio active power ( joking again, slightly ) I can't be around people for 4 hours!!! 

I am so happy tonight, my girls are home from camp! They had an amazing time, miracles happened, lives were changed!!! I got just what I prayed for.

This is them before camp with Max photo bombing!

Today I'm thanking God that my girls made it home safely. I'm thankful that I didn't have huge sugar withdrawals when I stopped cold turkey. I'm thankful for this outlet to express my thoughts.

Tough Day!!!

This was one of my juices today!!! It was tasty, but it does not replace bacon. Today I wished I knew why people would "choose" a raw lifestyle. I totally wouldn't be "raw" if I were not fighting cancer. ( Maybe that's the problem)  TMI alert- my bladder is like WHAT is going on? I was so miserable, going to pee every 2 seconds! So not cute!!!! I'm praying that my body will adjust to this new amount of liquids.  

Hard things today- wanting a bite of brownies I made for new neighbors, going to the restroom 100 times, the vague-ness of all this cancer stuff, getting some food choices wrong, missing ladies Bible study and feeling like I was gonna cry all day ( I mean really tears come on already, geez). I hate the feeling that one thing might trigger my emotions, ugh!

Now that that's out the way, I'm thankful! I'm thankful for friends that listen to me ramble on about nothing and everything, I'm thankful for water Zumba, I'm thankful for God's plans for my life. I live every day to make him proud. 

Camp, cancer, and other things.

Today this awesome group of youth left for camp!!! I'm so excited my girlies were able to go. They needed a break, time away from all the "c" talk. This is a huge step for them. They've never been away from home longer than a night. They're not huge fans of sleepovers either. However, we prayed and felt they needed a little time away. My prayer is that they experience God like never before, that their faith is deepened, that they're strengthed for the road ahead.

I thought that the road would be easier when I decided a more wholistic approach to #operationevictcancer.  Umm... No!! Do you want to know how many "natural approaches" there are? Here's a few: whole foods, alkaline diet, budwig method, gerson therapy, raw foods, no carbs lots of animal protein. The list goes on. So now I'm faced with choosing one, sticking it out and praying for good results. 

This is what I'm currently reading. Brain overload! Lord, lead me to Your plan for my health and healing. My brain is overloaded with information. I realize Jesus that I've taken the wheel ( once again) and I'm NOT leaning on you to direct me healing. Lord, I repent! You've got this! I will be still ( now) and know that you are my God.

I'm thankful for this week alone with my son. He has plan to teach me how to ripstick. I'm thankful for conviction, I cross the line all the time. I'm thankful for the will to want better for my health.

A little happy for my day!!

Today I received the sweetest card and gift card in the mail. One of the sweet ladies from my homeschool group sent this to me. I'm telling y'all a trip to Whole Foods is super motivating. It recharged me. I REALLY don't want chemo or radiation. Right now I have a one track  mind, #operationevictcancer!!!! Bring on the veggies, fruit, and alkaline water. I'm ready to do this. ( please remember how pumped I am so when I'm having a hard day y'all can remind me)!!!

It's time to do this!!!

When I first started this process my resolve was I would only do chemo and radiation if the cancer was present in my lymph nodes. Well, my lymph nodes are fine! So, now I must make one of the hardest decisions in my life. Will I use unconventional methods to heal my body of cancer? Some say it's very selfish being that I'm a single mother of 3 and others feel nutrition is the only way. At the end of the day I must live or die with the decision that's made.  I'm praying and seeking the face of The Lord. Both choices are risky, neither are a hundred 100%. One choice could lead me to being fully restored and the other could lead to prolonged life, lots of side effects and unfunctional body parts. What I want most is not only to have my life prolonged but to be cured of disease in my body. Which path will lead to that? 

Today I'm thankful for food, food that heals. I'm thankful for my support team, I'm thankful for my children who are living this with me. I'm thankful for God's healing and discerning power.

Miracles!

Today I was scheduled for a procedure to biopsy my lymph nodes. I was nervous and hungry, I couldn't eat or drink after midnight last night. My mom took the day off to be with me. They were going to sedate me for the procedure. Not fun!!!! Well, well, well, God had other plans and I'm so thankful He did. The doctor decided to do another ultrasound before sedation and he found nothing! I jumped up so quick!!!!! I can't do anything but  sing praises to God. 

I'm thankful for every single miracle! It is my belief that God can heal me of cancer if he chooses. I don't mind being used for his handy work! Signs and wonders shall follow those who believe.

Radiation- umm no!!!

I really feel like I'm in a Dr. Seuss book. I do not like that Sam-I- Am! So far, I don't like anything that's being said. Nothing, not one part. Well maybe the, "you're done" part. Today I keep repeating the 23rd Psalm. The Lord is my Shepard..... 

Before I let myself go down a deep road of dispair I will remember what I'm thankful for. 

Today, I'm thankful for friends that can stop at the last minute and go with me to the doctors office. I'm thankful for every call, text and email. I'm thankful for my mom that let me ball my eyes out on the phone!! I'm thankful.

The day I accepted the news!

Today, today is the first day I've really come to terms with what lies ahead. Friday I was diagnosed with cancer. The word cancer feels like a cancer, it eats way at every aspect of your life. From the time the words left his lips, I've been in a fog. The process felt so routine, I'm just another one of the hundreds of patients he sees every day. It's like an out of body experience. I don't feel sorry for my self, but sure feel sorry for my children. I feel sorry for all the people who have chosen to walk this out with me. Once again (and always) I must fix my eyes on Jesus. He is mighty in every way. I don't know what is before me but I know HE is already there.

Miss Perfect

Let me tell you ladies, Bible study has been so awesome!!!! We're reading through a study called, Miss Perfect!!! The lady leading us in this study is dynamic. The Lord is truly leading her as she leads us. I didn't think this book would be for me ( I already know I'm not perfect) but I was so wrong!! This book is for ladies everywhere.  Please order this study from High Point Church Memphis. This study dispels the myth of Miss Perfect! Ladies, she doesn't exist! Here is a recipe of faith that was given on our second day of the study:

I sure hope y'all can read this! It's so good.

In other news, we celebrated "Mr's" birthday today.  He wanted brownies and buttered pecan ice cream,yummy! 

Sidenote- I'm the party queen ( not tooting my own horn) but seriously, I LOVE parties! How in the world did I only have 2, yes 2 birthday candles in my entire house? It felt like the world stopped for just a second! 

Opening up!

Today the weather was very nice! It's making me long for spring even more. After church we went to the park for lunch. The sun does a body good! 

This is my girl, Danny (the deacon), and my boy climbing the best tree! This day was so needed.

I recently read through some previous post, why didn't someone mention all the typos? Most of the time I'm blogging from my phone and on the go. I'm also the grammar police but I have certainly been all over the place on this blog!! Don't stone me.

Now for what's really on my heart. Recently I've been opening up to a few people about what's going on in my life, marriage and etc. Let me tell you, it's not easy!!! The other part is I usually get the worst response from other believers. I can't tell you how friendships and relationships have changed ( a little and a lot) once people know. It's not okay with them that I have story that I'm being redeemed from. I'm never really sure how to respond to their response. What's going through my head: are they treating me like this because they don't know, were they taught this, did they read it, do they have scriptures they'll use to justify this? It leaves me so confused. I'm sure it's awkward for them and definitely for me. I'm not the first person to struggle, fight, crawl, slide, pray, pray and pray her way through a marriage that's not even holding on by threads. I'm not less of a person, I still hear God's voice, I'm still accountable, trust worthy, and capable. No, I don't want sit in a corner and not be involved. Life is happening now! I want to pull up my boot straps and keep marching forward! My eyes are fixed on Jesus.

Orange Mound, TN

This group of people stole my heart and ran with it! These are some of the leaders and families of our house church. These are a few of the families The Lord is allowing me to serve. Prayerfully we will soon be moving into this neighborhood to live, work and share the gospel. It's crazy to me how hanging with them for just a few months has completely change me for the better. It's humbling! It brings me to the feet of the cross often, especially when bad things happen. I pray for them and plead Christ blood over them. They have a part of my heart and I'm glad.

Control, control

Control, control oh how I love the!!!! What  do I hate second to the devil, not feeling in control!!! It goes against my personality. I like to know what's happening and when. I'm a planner and I love being settled. 

Do you want to know what area I'm tested the most? Control.  You would think with a year learning how to trust God more, this would be a piece of cake. Haha. What's even worse is I hate making decisions (oxymoron, I know)!!! I'm in a season of decision that need to be made, moves that need to happen, and a host of other things!  I was up all night!! Tossing, turning and pondering just how God will work it all out. Overwhelmed to say the least!! I do know that God is faithful! My heart knows but my body refuses to listen in the midnight hour. What I learned from my year of trusting is that God listens, he's faithful, he cares, our timing is different and it isn't  easier! I'm still a rookie.

Family word of the year...

Our word should be trust again!!! I'm still learning how to completely trust God in every situation. Let's just say this year provided more than enough opportunities  to trust God. Whew!! 

This year our word is commitment. I'm not sure where this will take us, but I'm preparing my heart. 

I'm already thinking of some areas that God telling me to stay committed. ( Like taking better care of myself)!!! So I started the year with a new do, which is much different from my bun that I wear every day. 

This is me with it all down and free! I even have a little make-up on. I went to the Memphis Grizzlies game the other night. This picture was taken at the game.

So for Christmas I wanted a new piece of art. I fell in love with some art that my friend recently had displayed at the gallery. She made all kinds of trees. My favorite didn't sell and now it's on my wall!! Merry Christmas to me.

I know God is up to something from trust to commitment, this should be interesting!