Angry phase

I didn't get much sleep last night. I am not really sure if I slept any. My brain is racing with so many thoughts. I will try to share some of those thoughts with you. 

First, I'm starting to become so overwhelmed (and slightly freaked out) by all of the help (love and support). This process makes me vulnerable and I hate it. I've spent a portion of the night thinking about how I can not need help. I've been thinking about shutting down this help operation. I don't want to need this much help and have people in my space ( business). I've had to discuss all sorts of personal matters, it's like a public display.  Secondly,  I hate the one sidedness of this all. The majority of my team are not on board with my chosen path of treatment. Therefore they are choosing not to financially support that decision. It really sucks. It sucks that no one( I'm being dramatic, I do have some friends on board) is helping me fight for restorative care. People in general are eager to sign me up for destruction (to my body). It makes me sad on many levels. I hate that it's the norm and that the gentle/restorative/wholistic path isn't the norm. I'm jumping out on a limb here, but I've never been so close to changing my views on pro-life ever. It's my body and I should be able to make an educated decision to do whatever I feel is  best and I should be supported in every way ( financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically). It has left a distaste in me. I pray that when it's my turn that remember this and how it made me feel. ( disclaimer : this is not a sin issue)  Lastly, I really just want my life back. I might be going through what's called an anger phase. I'm angry that I need help, I'm angry that people feel entitled to an opinion, I'm angry at the awful cancer treatments. I'm angry that "they" feel like five years is success, I'm angry that one of my bosses is forcing me to take a break, I'm angry that my children are going through this, I'm angry that people don't understand why I want to save my body parts, I'm angry that I have to defend my position ( when it's my body). I angry that I'm too polite, my convictions are strong and I'm steeped in southern grace to tell people how really feel. Im sure if I wasn't a Christian I would be cursing well meaning people out (all of the time). I'm angry that I've lost 40lbs and my belly is round as ever.

I'm thankful that I can see the bigger picture. I'm thankful that deep down I know this is for my good. I'm thankful that I have friends that are not easily offended by my anger. They love me anyway. I'm thankful that I don't have the money to run away. 

The rubber meets the road

Why do I feel like I'm in an unsaid power struggle with cancer? It's like each day we're one up-ing each other. Today cancer got a point. 

I met the new radiology oncologist today. He was such a nice man. He's a Christian, which is a plus!! He gently explained my treatment options and what he thought was best. It was hard, very hard. Part of what made it so hard is I know he feels like my life is in his hands. ( of course The Lord's hands) but I could feel his pain as he spoke with me. He said "I'm so sorry" 4 times. I really felt he was sorry I had to go through this. My heart ached for this doctor who cares for his patients well. He knows death, he knows defeat, he knows heartache, he knows how much cancer takes. I wanted to pray for him. I'm going to do that tonight.

Right now I hate that this is not just happening to me, but my community. I feel like I'm making my community weary. I wish I could be like the majority and agree to treatment. I wish the attention wasn't on me. I wish this would go away or I could run away. I wish I didn't have to give up so much. I wish, I wish, I wish.....I'm sure God wishes he didn't have to sacrifice his son for wretched undeserving people. I will do whatever God wants me to do, I will sacrifice whatever God requires. I will trust Him (even in the dark place). I will allow healing in my brokenness ( especially my heart). I will, I will..... The Lord will return for his bride.

I'm thankful for hard days that draw me near to God. I'm thankful for a Christian doctor. I'm thankful that tears are healing.

A Beautiful Life

Yesterday I got to share my testimony at church. Every summer we do A Summer of Testimonies. Each Wednesday night one of the ladies shares their story and presents it around our annual theme. This year our theme is, "It's a Beautiful Life". I was every excited to share how God turned my ugliness to beauty ( for HIS glory). I was a mess, I'm still a mess. God is writing my story, I'm so amazed at the details! He's the best author I know. The ladies gave me this sweet mug: 

Only God can make this life beautiful!

Cancer,cancer oh how I hate thee. This sums up how I'm feeling. This week has been super uncomfortable, I'm praying for relief. I'm having moments of sadness when I think about what this disease is taking from me. I'm having moments of anger when I think about how this is changing my family ( especially my children). When I'm done having my moments I go right back to knowing God is here with me, He is in control, He knows my pain and sorrow, He is a healer and His strength is perfected in my weakness.

I'm thankful for every person that's offered to sit with me during treatment, I'm thankful for my ladies Bible study, I'm thankful for the will to press forward.

Lake House

I've been MIA for a few days, it was much needed! I felt anxiety trying to creep in and over take me. A few days ago we took a very impromptu road trip to South Carolina. If you know me IRL you know I hate driving, especially on the interstate. It's not that I can't do it, but it makes me soo very nervous. It's really a control issue. I can control my car, but not the others. I can't anticipate what they're going to do next, ugh. Control, control why must you taunt me? 

We had the most amazing time on the lake.

This is the house, and I lived in the screened porch most of our stay. I loved looking down on my little ones playing in the lake.

My children enjoyed tubing ( I did too), water skiing, and canoeing. It was so nice to get away from everything. I felt God's presence everywhere! His beauty was evident in the lake, mountains, trees and calm peacefulness. I was moved to tears so many times on the trip. I also got to spend time with friends that are moving to North Africa. It was bittersweet because we'd already said our good byes! Saying it twice is hard.

These are the friends that paved the way for me to become an intentional community missionary. They lived in an urban area for several years. Right before they left I spent a lot of time with them learning as much as I could before it was my turn to live it out. I'm so thankful for their discipleship in this area. I'm going to miss them and their sweet family!

Today I had a very tragic experience! I witness a lady run into traffic and get hit by a pickup truck. Her body flew in the air and she landed right in front of my moving car. I screamed Jesus, I know he stopped my car. I prayed ( more like saying Jesus over and over). 911 was called, they made it quickly. She wasn't moving, I'm still praying. Please pray for me, the vision is etched into my brain.

Today I'm thankful for life, how quickly it changes. I'm thankful that I could go to work after being off 2 months. I'm thankful for friends that helped with my getaway. I'm thankful for church friends,old and new friends that are helping me out during this uncertain time. Asking for and needing help is so very hard for me.