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Hello, My name is Ester. I absolutley adore Jesus! He is the center of my life. I am nothing without him. He has allowed a dream of mine to come true. I've always wanted a little boutique. I've been praying for the right time, the time is now! I am the mother of 3. I love my children, they keep life so exciting. I homeschool and I have one in traditional school. I love to craft, it could be a full time job. I love it that much. I like sewing, baking, bow- making, and all things family! I am married to my highschool sweetheart, you can read about that on my other blog. www.loveinmyhouse.blogspot.com.

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Monday, July 27, 2015

Angry phase

I didn't get much sleep last night. I am not really sure if I slept any. My brain is racing with so many thoughts. I will try to share some of those thoughts with you. 
First, I'm starting to become so overwhelmed (and slightly freaked out) by all of the help (love and support). This process makes me vulnerable and I hate it. I've spent a portion of the night thinking about how I can not need help. I've been thinking about shutting down this help operation. I don't want to need this much help and have people in my space ( business). I've had to discuss all sorts of personal matters, it's like a public display.  Secondly,  I hate the one sidedness of this all. The majority of my team are not on board with my chosen path of treatment. Therefore they are choosing not to financially support that decision. It really sucks. It sucks that no one( I'm being dramatic, I do have some friends on board) is helping me fight for restorative care. People in general are eager to sign me up for destruction (to my body). It makes me sad on many levels. I hate that it's the norm and that the gentle/restorative/wholistic path isn't the norm. I'm jumping out on a limb here, but I've never been so close to changing my views on pro-life ever. It's my body and I should be able to make an educated decision to do whatever I feel is  best and I should be supported in every way ( financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically). It has left a distaste in me. I pray that when it's my turn that remember this and how it made me feel. ( disclaimer : this is not a sin issue)  Lastly, I really just want my life back. I might be going through what's called an anger phase. I'm angry that I need help, I'm angry that people feel entitled to an opinion, I'm angry at the awful cancer treatments. I'm angry that "they" feel like five years is success, I'm angry that one of my bosses is forcing me to take a break, I'm angry that my children are going through this, I'm angry that people don't understand why I want to save my body parts, I'm angry that I have to defend my position ( when it's my body). I angry that I'm too polite, my convictions are strong and I'm steeped in southern grace to tell people how really feel. Im sure if I wasn't a Christian I would be cursing well meaning people out (all of the time). I'm angry that I've lost 40lbs and my belly is round as ever.

I'm thankful that I can see the bigger picture. I'm thankful that deep down I know this is for my good. I'm thankful that I have friends that are not easily offended by my anger. They love me anyway. I'm thankful that I don't have the money to run away. 

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry, my friend! I know you hate this, but I am willing to bet that it's normal, the feeling of being angry. I love you and am praying continually for you! (((hugs)))