Today

Today for the first time ever, I felt like choosing chemo/radiation. I was having the most pitiful pity party ever. Today every single piece of green food tasted like grass, every piece fruit made me nauseous and juicing made me gag. The thought of doing this forever, made me want to cry! The truth is I'm going to want a slice of birthday cake, I'm going want to dine at fine restaurant for ladies night, and I love fruit cobblers in the summer. Today chemo felt like taking an easier road, I'll be sick for a few months but I can have what I want. In case you didn't know, the evil one is real. He appeals to the flesh. He kicks you when you're down. He knows he's defeated but he tries anyway. I didn't give in to this temptation. I wanted to. I entertained it longer than I should have. I felt sorry for myself (cue the violins)! The Lord is my Shepard and I shall not want...........

I'm thankful for discernment. I'm thankful for the Shepard that watches over me. I'm thankful God's strength is perfected in my weakness. 

What would I do if it were my child instead of me?

People keep asking me, " what would you do if it were your child?" .  The answer is the same, I would prayerfully choose what I felt was best.  The choice I am making is what I feel is best for me.  Guys, this is not easy! I am trying hard every day to get my life back as close to normal as possible. Normal now consist of juicing 100 times a day, going to the ladies room 101 times a day, going to the store replenish fresh veggies/fruit a million time a week, praying (more), relaxing just because it's good for me, getting enough sunshine, and reading natural books about food.  My normal seems like a distant memory.  I am asking The Lord to show me the "new" normal.  I thrive on routine. I need a livable routine because  this one is not working.

Enough about "C", I have a couple of things I'm really excited about.  First, I had a phone type interview.  I am prayerfully considering becoming a support manager with Classical Conversations.  We participated with CC this fall and I really like it.  I even tutored.  I didn't quite understand the method but now I am seeing the fruit of what my children learned while in CC.  I really think being a Support manager fits my personality.  I LOVE loving on moms, homeschoolers and God's people. That's exactly what I would get to do in this role.   I also called my director and let her know that I am planning to return in the fall.  I miss my little kiddos.  I hope she'll let me loop up with my babies.  We are also planning to host  Backyard Bible Club.  It's like VBS in the yard.  I am so thrilled about that and so are my children.  I haven't start planning but I have started praying.  The last thing, we are having our first PARTY!! It is no secret, I LOVE parties.  We are hosting a neighborhood 4th of July party.  These little joys give me something to look forward to.  It helps keep my mind occupied.

I am thankful for the few exciting things I listed above.  I am thankful for my sister who drove across town to bring me 2 items from Walgreens when I wasn't feeling good.  I am thankful that I am starting to feel better.  I am thankful that veggie juice is starting to taste "good". Lastly, I am thankful that one of the intentional neighbors had a key to my house.  I locked myself out the other day.  It was not fun.

Fired!

I should have seen it coming! My oncologist decided after our "talk" yesterday, that we were not a good fit. I was prepared for him not to stay on the case, but he was so harsh. He was not willing to hear me out. I thought all doctors knew that if you don't build trust with the patient you won't get very far. I had to sign several things acknowledging our separation. 

It was so unsettling how quick he jumped to this. He didn't even attempt to get a better understanding. Little things like that chip away at my faith in healthcare. Instead of being angry I used it as a catalyst to pray for doctors, their teams and other healthcare workers. In the mean time I have scheduled appointments with 2 other oncologist. I don't know what my hope is for either of those appointments. Maybe, I  just one of them to listen and try to understand my point (and be okay with disagreeing). I know the standard protocol is to offer chemo radiation therapy. It would take a divine intervention to get me to that point. I don't want to die now but I'm not afraid of death either. Oh death where is your sting.....

I'm thankful for this sweet notebook my friend put together for me:

It has a few pages of decorative scriptures. It's so thoughtful. I'm thankful that the Elder (and his wife) of my house church are so invested in my family and my health. I'm experiencing community in a new way. God knew what I needed. I'm thankful for blessings that keep coming in my mailbox. I have needed every card, gift card, coupon, and word of encouragement. 

When the team doesn't agree.....

The last few days have been challenging. My sweet mom is worried about me. It's to be expected, I'll always be her baby regardless of age. She's not quite on board with my chosen path. I'm not surprised, she's a nurse. My mom has seen many things as a nurse, death being one of them. She really wants me to do whatever I can to stay alive. Actually we want the same thing, we just have different ideas on how to get there. It's not easy to see my mom hurting, worried and scared. It's even harder to know that I have something to do with what she's feeling. Jesus. Jesus is the only balm that will give her comfort. He's the only one bringing me comfort. I know that physically I have cancer but this is about so much more than the cancer itself. This is my walk on water experience. I've stepped out of the boat, and now I must keep my eyes on Him. I know if I look to the right or left I will sink. I've locked eyes with my maker and he's calling me to deeper waters. With one foot in front of the other I'm making my way right to the place he has called me. It's not easy, it's unconventional, it's radical and many won't understand. Heck, I'm still trying to understand! The only comfort I can offer is that my hope is  in Christ. I trust Him with my life. I'm not anti-medicine, I live in a community of doctors. I am anti poison, which in my opinion that's what chemo is. I am willing to reasses as necassary. I'm not say I'll never do chemo. I am saying I don't have peace about it at this time. I will listen to any compelling argument, data, statistics and stories with an open mind and heart. However, we may have to agree to disagree. If you think that will hurt our friendship, I would rather be your friend!

Today I'm thankful that each day I have more clarity and resolve than the day before. I'm thankful for my relationship with my children. I'm thankful that my children know Christ and their faith is rooted in Him. 

What the Kale!!!

My friend called me the other day and said, " I'll have some kale for you on Thursday". I never imagined that it would be a huge sackful, garbage bag size full!! I was so thankful (and a little overwhelmed )!!! I'm cleaning it now.  I'll have to freeze some and get a thousand recipes for the rest. Right now, kale = cupcakes!!! Yummy kale!!! ( that was a joke, I like kale but ummm.......) 

I also had another sweet friend offer to grow me some kale and anything else that would be helpful. Wow, I don't deserve such sweet friends. I love each and every one of them. Seriously, this is hard!!! Really hard. I wouldn't be able to do this without experiencing God's. He often uses my friends as an expression of His love for me. 

Let me tell ya, I have NO idea what to do with people and their cancer advice. I really, really don't. I also don't know how to respond when people tell me about all the people they know that DIED from cancer. I like to talk and I'm never at a loss for words but, I think I've met my match. The blank stare seems a bit rude but that's all I've got. Usually I'm thinking scriptures in my head, but in the moment I stand before them in shock. ( why are you telling me death stories) I know they mean well, really I do. That does not make it easier. Every person's journey is different.

I've decided to get the PET scan. It's Monday. I really don't want to get it. So, on Monday don't come around or I might harm you with my radio active power ( joking again, slightly ) I can't be around people for 4 hours!!! 

I am so happy tonight, my girls are home from camp! They had an amazing time, miracles happened, lives were changed!!! I got just what I prayed for.

This is them before camp with Max photo bombing!

Today I'm thanking God that my girls made it home safely. I'm thankful that I didn't have huge sugar withdrawals when I stopped cold turkey. I'm thankful for this outlet to express my thoughts.

Tough Day!!!

This was one of my juices today!!! It was tasty, but it does not replace bacon. Today I wished I knew why people would "choose" a raw lifestyle. I totally wouldn't be "raw" if I were not fighting cancer. ( Maybe that's the problem)  TMI alert- my bladder is like WHAT is going on? I was so miserable, going to pee every 2 seconds! So not cute!!!! I'm praying that my body will adjust to this new amount of liquids.  

Hard things today- wanting a bite of brownies I made for new neighbors, going to the restroom 100 times, the vague-ness of all this cancer stuff, getting some food choices wrong, missing ladies Bible study and feeling like I was gonna cry all day ( I mean really tears come on already, geez). I hate the feeling that one thing might trigger my emotions, ugh!

Now that that's out the way, I'm thankful! I'm thankful for friends that listen to me ramble on about nothing and everything, I'm thankful for water Zumba, I'm thankful for God's plans for my life. I live every day to make him proud. 

Camp, cancer, and other things.

Today this awesome group of youth left for camp!!! I'm so excited my girlies were able to go. They needed a break, time away from all the "c" talk. This is a huge step for them. They've never been away from home longer than a night. They're not huge fans of sleepovers either. However, we prayed and felt they needed a little time away. My prayer is that they experience God like never before, that their faith is deepened, that they're strengthed for the road ahead.

I thought that the road would be easier when I decided a more wholistic approach to #operationevictcancer.  Umm... No!! Do you want to know how many "natural approaches" there are? Here's a few: whole foods, alkaline diet, budwig method, gerson therapy, raw foods, no carbs lots of animal protein. The list goes on. So now I'm faced with choosing one, sticking it out and praying for good results. 

This is what I'm currently reading. Brain overload! Lord, lead me to Your plan for my health and healing. My brain is overloaded with information. I realize Jesus that I've taken the wheel ( once again) and I'm NOT leaning on you to direct me healing. Lord, I repent! You've got this! I will be still ( now) and know that you are my God.

I'm thankful for this week alone with my son. He has plan to teach me how to ripstick. I'm thankful for conviction, I cross the line all the time. I'm thankful for the will to want better for my health.

A little happy for my day!!

Today I received the sweetest card and gift card in the mail. One of the sweet ladies from my homeschool group sent this to me. I'm telling y'all a trip to Whole Foods is super motivating. It recharged me. I REALLY don't want chemo or radiation. Right now I have a one track  mind, #operationevictcancer!!!! Bring on the veggies, fruit, and alkaline water. I'm ready to do this. ( please remember how pumped I am so when I'm having a hard day y'all can remind me)!!!

It's time to do this!!!

When I first started this process my resolve was I would only do chemo and radiation if the cancer was present in my lymph nodes. Well, my lymph nodes are fine! So, now I must make one of the hardest decisions in my life. Will I use unconventional methods to heal my body of cancer? Some say it's very selfish being that I'm a single mother of 3 and others feel nutrition is the only way. At the end of the day I must live or die with the decision that's made.  I'm praying and seeking the face of The Lord. Both choices are risky, neither are a hundred 100%. One choice could lead me to being fully restored and the other could lead to prolonged life, lots of side effects and unfunctional body parts. What I want most is not only to have my life prolonged but to be cured of disease in my body. Which path will lead to that? 

Today I'm thankful for food, food that heals. I'm thankful for my support team, I'm thankful for my children who are living this with me. I'm thankful for God's healing and discerning power.

Miracles!

Today I was scheduled for a procedure to biopsy my lymph nodes. I was nervous and hungry, I couldn't eat or drink after midnight last night. My mom took the day off to be with me. They were going to sedate me for the procedure. Not fun!!!! Well, well, well, God had other plans and I'm so thankful He did. The doctor decided to do another ultrasound before sedation and he found nothing! I jumped up so quick!!!!! I can't do anything but  sing praises to God. 

I'm thankful for every single miracle! It is my belief that God can heal me of cancer if he chooses. I don't mind being used for his handy work! Signs and wonders shall follow those who believe.

Radiation- umm no!!!

I really feel like I'm in a Dr. Seuss book. I do not like that Sam-I- Am! So far, I don't like anything that's being said. Nothing, not one part. Well maybe the, "you're done" part. Today I keep repeating the 23rd Psalm. The Lord is my Shepard..... 

Before I let myself go down a deep road of dispair I will remember what I'm thankful for. 

Today, I'm thankful for friends that can stop at the last minute and go with me to the doctors office. I'm thankful for every call, text and email. I'm thankful for my mom that let me ball my eyes out on the phone!! I'm thankful.

The day I accepted the news!

Today, today is the first day I've really come to terms with what lies ahead. Friday I was diagnosed with cancer. The word cancer feels like a cancer, it eats way at every aspect of your life. From the time the words left his lips, I've been in a fog. The process felt so routine, I'm just another one of the hundreds of patients he sees every day. It's like an out of body experience. I don't feel sorry for my self, but sure feel sorry for my children. I feel sorry for all the people who have chosen to walk this out with me. Once again (and always) I must fix my eyes on Jesus. He is mighty in every way. I don't know what is before me but I know HE is already there.