So long 2015!!!

I have started this post more times than I can count.  The truth is I really want to let you all know how much I struggled in 2015.  I don't like complaining and I rarely do it.  However, I want to keep it REAL!  I want to tell you that for the first time EVER in my life I questioned my faith.  The chemo wore me out! I could not believe that my God would allow me to endure hell on earth.  I was sick every single day.  I regret the day I chose to do conventional treatment.  I am sad that I've lost the ability to have children.  I hated radiation. I would cry on the table as I imagined what the treatment was doing to my insides.  I really wished I could have been like other people that imagined that radiation healing their bodies, not burning it up!  I never got there.  It was mental torture!!! I missed having my mother in law around ( she died right as I was being diagnosed).  This list could go  on!!! I've never experienced anything quite like this year.  I felt like I was in a war zone (literally).  I had to remind myself daily that I was promised a victorious ending in Christ. I had to remind myself that God was indeed for me and NOT against me.  I even reminded myself that if he chose to call me home, I would be with Him forever.  I had to apply EVERYTHING I knew about God to my life crisis!! EVERYTHING!!! I had so many question, objections and arguments for the Father.  I told Him a million other ways he could have gotten my attention, why cancer?

Now that I have gotten that off my chest............

The Lord never left me.  I was mean (really feisty)  and broken before HIM.  I didn't want to need EVERYTHING I had learned of Him. I did NOT read my Bible during chemo, not once.  I was too upset.  However, I saw his hand at work every day during that time. My children were well cared for by my community of friends and family.  I never drove to an appointment.  Every bill was and has been paid on time.  The yard was maintained, the house was kept, the fridge was full.  I can not list every blessing.  I am also very thankful for praying friends, they prayed for me when I couldn't wouldn't pray for myself.

I am not done with this journey but I know He is with me and He will get all the glory........

What's going down in the Mound???

Dear sweet people, 

I'm still alive and well.  I've needed some time to process every possible emotion known to man. I had no idea that some of these emotions exist.  I'm still having more good days than bad. I'm so thankful for that. Since, the surgery I'm having some very unusual pain. Most days I can't explain what's hurting or how it's hurting.  I just know it's pain. I have more decisions on the horizon. The answers are not easier or clearer even at the thought of death.  Ok, enough of that.....

 I can't tell you how carefully The Lord put everything together. I'm truly amazed at His goodness. I moved to this neighborhood to join a group of people serving in a way that I felt called to serve. Never in a million years would I've thought The Lord would call me to leave my home and move to a place that scared me. I don't know how I thought I could serve over seas but not serve the least of these in my own city. God is continuing to transform my heart everyday. This Sunday we hosted our house church because some of our leaders were out of town. We enjoyed every second of it.

We had a good time of fellowship, worship and studying God's word. 

The Mr. and I decided this should be a fun filled week because of some changes in my care. The changes will be more intense than they already are. I'm so glad he and I are able to look pass our differences to make this week special for the kiddos. Spending time with him as a family is always bittersweet. 

This is us at the zoo Sunday night. The zoo has a special night for members only and it's always a fun time.  The Mr. came over two days in a row to help me with things around the house. Our relationship is so challenging but comforting in a familiar type way. There is no denying some things he just "gets" because we're 15 years in to this! Sigh.

We have a few other special things planned this week, the fair is one of them. I'm praying God will give me strength to endure and enjoy this week. I'm praying that the pain will be managed well so this week will be memorable for my babies.

I'm so thankful that God hasn't left me. I'm thankful for meals that I don't have to cook. I'm thankful that I'm getting better at recognizing how I feel.

Full house and full heart!

My house has been buzzing with the sound of friendship and laughter since 9:30 am. The day started with a few ladies coming to help me clean. They didn't have much to do ( they were not happy about that). It was humbling of course. However, after 9 days of bed rest I was so happy to see people!!! They could have been coming to do anything. I would have been happy. One of the ladies left flowers on my porch this week, one of my favorite things.

Not the best photo but you get the picture.

One of our house church parishes blessed us with a deep freezer. I may have blogged about that already but here's my beauty: 

Who knew what a difference extra food storage wood make? I haven't found "the" spot for it in our house. I can't even think about about it! I couldn't wait to go to "The Big Box Club" to fill this baby up. It's so nice not to unpack my normal freezer to get one thing out.

I had a couple of good days this week, on one of them I created a card holder. I used an antique window frame and chicken wire. My oldest helped me out a lot. I was too weak to do all the staples. 

I put it on the empty wall above the freezer. That dresser was there before the freezer.  This frame reminds me of all the people praying for me to get through this cancer battle.

My niece spent the night, my sister came over, one of my best girl friends came over and the Mr. came over too! I know I'm leaving someone out, but you get the picture. I loved every second of it!!! 

So tonight I'm thankful for people that fill my house with love and laughter. These people are walking testaments of God's love. They let me cry, they allow me to say crazy (kinda scandalous things), they keep me accountable and they remind me that I'm apart of God's family. 

God is good

Things have not gone as planned. I've made decisions that went against my convictions concerning the cancer. However, I don't want to leave the wrong impression, be a Debbie downer or not give God the glory. God has been so faithful to me and my family durning this season. I've learned more life lessons in 2 months than I have in a lifetime. 

I've seen God use my situation to minister to others. I've had people impressed with how well my church communities have stepped up and cared for us well. People are bringing yummy dinners to my house, checking on my kiddos, running errands and the list goes on. I even had a friend to bring fresh flowers over and leave them on my porch.

I love fresh flowers and these make me so happy. 

One of the other intentional neighbors took my girls out for a "girls day"! They had a blast.

My sweetnesses at the mall with Kali. 

They needed a break, the girls keep telling me running a house is hard work!! (Duh) 

My aunt came from Nashville for a visit. She bought me the softest day gown/loungewear and candles for my room. That was a pleasant surprise. Here lately I haven't been able to get a few things I've wanted because we've needed so many things. Loungewear was on the list of wants and God provided. He cares about every detail. Sometimes it's hard for me to conceive God of the universe caring about every little detail of my life. ( and I have lots of details because I'm all about the fine details) I did nothing to deserve it. I often take it for granted. I rarely trust in it enough. When I'm faced over and over again with surrendering, God's love me makes it a little bit easier.

I'm thankful for small things that make me happy. I'm thankful for the lessons. I'm thankful every time this situation is used to glorify God.

Trust is a must.....

Today I'm suffering with deep, deep feelings of regret. I really should have listened to that small still voice, I should have paid closer attention to the goose bumps and I should have trusted the God in me. The surgery went well, but I had to stay over night. Staying overnight wasn't part of the plan. I was so disoriented when I came off the anesthesia, I was shaking violently. That is part of the reason he wanted me to stay overnight.  

When I got out of surgery I was greeted by a sweet friend (more like a mom) Mrs.Cindy. She stayed with me until my parents got here.  I was also surprised by the Mr. I was not expecting him to come at all. Funny thing (in a sad kind of way) yesterday would have been 15 years of marriage for us. I can't believe it's been a decade and a half. He cared for me until my sister arrived, she stayed the night with me.

After surgery photo!!! E and J.

My dear friends please, please listen and trust the voice of God. Trust even if it goes against what's poplar, mainstream, or even considered wise counsel. Now that I've undergone this procedure I will more than like have to give up my natural remedy. I'm sad, discouraged and feeling how disappointed God must be that I didn't follow Him. I've known since the beginning which route I would take but I fell under the pressure of pleasing people, fear, and lack of discernment. 

Please pray for me.

I'm thankful for sweet nurses! I'm thankful for grace and that God will use this for his good.  

Trusting the Holy Spirit

Today I'm having surgery, I wish it was an easy decision. This really feels like I'm going against The Holy Spirit. Today I wish I was more confident in discerning His voice. This morning I feel unrest. I know God will work all things together for my good. I'm praying this over myself. Although I'm unsure, I know that He will still get the glory and work this for my good.

I'm thankful for my sweet team. Especially Amy and Cindy who are up and out with me at 6:30 this morning. Amy even has a baby in tow. I'm thankful for my children, the are my biggest supporters.

Pre- surgery photo!!!! It's not cute but we're here and ready to get this party started!!!!

I'm still here

I just needed a break! I've been out of sorts, a little beside myself and dealing with emotions that aren't easily controlled. Today has been a good day. I was able to take a day nap, visit with my sister, have time with my son and girls night out with a friend ( much needed). 

This week was rough, I started the natural remedy this week. It's been quite the challenge. It's hard to keep up with all the steps but I'm trying! I've also scheduled a surgery to move my ovaries. Surgery is this Wednesday, I'm not really ready but I'm moving forward. I really want the natural medicine to work and not have to do the next phase of treatment. I'm planning for the worse( that's why I'm having the procedure)and hoping (praying) for the best ( that's why I'm continuing the natural process)! Today the nutrition counselor called with a few words of encouragement. One thing she said stuck out, most women with reproductive type cancers usually have unforgiveness, trauma, or unresolved issues with a man. These issues are bottled inside and manifest as cancer. Hmmm...... We just might be on to something. 

I'm thankful for wieghtloss (43 lbs)! I'm thankful for discernment. I'm thankful that each day I'm closer to knowing what to do. I'm thankful for every donation. We have needed every dime!  

I've set up a gofund me account! It's awkward but we do need help to get us through this season.    Www.gofundme.com/EsterBradford