A Beautiful Life

Yesterday I got to share my testimony at church. Every summer we do A Summer of Testimonies. Each Wednesday night one of the ladies shares their story and presents it around our annual theme. This year our theme is, "It's a Beautiful Life". I was every excited to share how God turned my ugliness to beauty ( for HIS glory). I was a mess, I'm still a mess. God is writing my story, I'm so amazed at the details! He's the best author I know. The ladies gave me this sweet mug: 

Only God can make this life beautiful!

Cancer,cancer oh how I hate thee. This sums up how I'm feeling. This week has been super uncomfortable, I'm praying for relief. I'm having moments of sadness when I think about what this disease is taking from me. I'm having moments of anger when I think about how this is changing my family ( especially my children). When I'm done having my moments I go right back to knowing God is here with me, He is in control, He knows my pain and sorrow, He is a healer and His strength is perfected in my weakness.

I'm thankful for every person that's offered to sit with me during treatment, I'm thankful for my ladies Bible study, I'm thankful for the will to press forward.

Lake House

I've been MIA for a few days, it was much needed! I felt anxiety trying to creep in and over take me. A few days ago we took a very impromptu road trip to South Carolina. If you know me IRL you know I hate driving, especially on the interstate. It's not that I can't do it, but it makes me soo very nervous. It's really a control issue. I can control my car, but not the others. I can't anticipate what they're going to do next, ugh. Control, control why must you taunt me? 

We had the most amazing time on the lake.

This is the house, and I lived in the screened porch most of our stay. I loved looking down on my little ones playing in the lake.

My children enjoyed tubing ( I did too), water skiing, and canoeing. It was so nice to get away from everything. I felt God's presence everywhere! His beauty was evident in the lake, mountains, trees and calm peacefulness. I was moved to tears so many times on the trip. I also got to spend time with friends that are moving to North Africa. It was bittersweet because we'd already said our good byes! Saying it twice is hard.

These are the friends that paved the way for me to become an intentional community missionary. They lived in an urban area for several years. Right before they left I spent a lot of time with them learning as much as I could before it was my turn to live it out. I'm so thankful for their discipleship in this area. I'm going to miss them and their sweet family!

Today I had a very tragic experience! I witness a lady run into traffic and get hit by a pickup truck. Her body flew in the air and she landed right in front of my moving car. I screamed Jesus, I know he stopped my car. I prayed ( more like saying Jesus over and over). 911 was called, they made it quickly. She wasn't moving, I'm still praying. Please pray for me, the vision is etched into my brain.

Today I'm thankful for life, how quickly it changes. I'm thankful that I could go to work after being off 2 months. I'm thankful for friends that helped with my getaway. I'm thankful for church friends,old and new friends that are helping me out during this uncertain time. Asking for and needing help is so very hard for me.

Today

Today for the first time ever, I felt like choosing chemo/radiation. I was having the most pitiful pity party ever. Today every single piece of green food tasted like grass, every piece fruit made me nauseous and juicing made me gag. The thought of doing this forever, made me want to cry! The truth is I'm going to want a slice of birthday cake, I'm going want to dine at fine restaurant for ladies night, and I love fruit cobblers in the summer. Today chemo felt like taking an easier road, I'll be sick for a few months but I can have what I want. In case you didn't know, the evil one is real. He appeals to the flesh. He kicks you when you're down. He knows he's defeated but he tries anyway. I didn't give in to this temptation. I wanted to. I entertained it longer than I should have. I felt sorry for myself (cue the violins)! The Lord is my Shepard and I shall not want...........

I'm thankful for discernment. I'm thankful for the Shepard that watches over me. I'm thankful God's strength is perfected in my weakness. 

What would I do if it were my child instead of me?

People keep asking me, " what would you do if it were your child?" .  The answer is the same, I would prayerfully choose what I felt was best.  The choice I am making is what I feel is best for me.  Guys, this is not easy! I am trying hard every day to get my life back as close to normal as possible. Normal now consist of juicing 100 times a day, going to the ladies room 101 times a day, going to the store replenish fresh veggies/fruit a million time a week, praying (more), relaxing just because it's good for me, getting enough sunshine, and reading natural books about food.  My normal seems like a distant memory.  I am asking The Lord to show me the "new" normal.  I thrive on routine. I need a livable routine because  this one is not working.

Enough about "C", I have a couple of things I'm really excited about.  First, I had a phone type interview.  I am prayerfully considering becoming a support manager with Classical Conversations.  We participated with CC this fall and I really like it.  I even tutored.  I didn't quite understand the method but now I am seeing the fruit of what my children learned while in CC.  I really think being a Support manager fits my personality.  I LOVE loving on moms, homeschoolers and God's people. That's exactly what I would get to do in this role.   I also called my director and let her know that I am planning to return in the fall.  I miss my little kiddos.  I hope she'll let me loop up with my babies.  We are also planning to host  Backyard Bible Club.  It's like VBS in the yard.  I am so thrilled about that and so are my children.  I haven't start planning but I have started praying.  The last thing, we are having our first PARTY!! It is no secret, I LOVE parties.  We are hosting a neighborhood 4th of July party.  These little joys give me something to look forward to.  It helps keep my mind occupied.

I am thankful for the few exciting things I listed above.  I am thankful for my sister who drove across town to bring me 2 items from Walgreens when I wasn't feeling good.  I am thankful that I am starting to feel better.  I am thankful that veggie juice is starting to taste "good". Lastly, I am thankful that one of the intentional neighbors had a key to my house.  I locked myself out the other day.  It was not fun.

Fired!

I should have seen it coming! My oncologist decided after our "talk" yesterday, that we were not a good fit. I was prepared for him not to stay on the case, but he was so harsh. He was not willing to hear me out. I thought all doctors knew that if you don't build trust with the patient you won't get very far. I had to sign several things acknowledging our separation. 

It was so unsettling how quick he jumped to this. He didn't even attempt to get a better understanding. Little things like that chip away at my faith in healthcare. Instead of being angry I used it as a catalyst to pray for doctors, their teams and other healthcare workers. In the mean time I have scheduled appointments with 2 other oncologist. I don't know what my hope is for either of those appointments. Maybe, I  just one of them to listen and try to understand my point (and be okay with disagreeing). I know the standard protocol is to offer chemo radiation therapy. It would take a divine intervention to get me to that point. I don't want to die now but I'm not afraid of death either. Oh death where is your sting.....

I'm thankful for this sweet notebook my friend put together for me:

It has a few pages of decorative scriptures. It's so thoughtful. I'm thankful that the Elder (and his wife) of my house church are so invested in my family and my health. I'm experiencing community in a new way. God knew what I needed. I'm thankful for blessings that keep coming in my mailbox. I have needed every card, gift card, coupon, and word of encouragement. 

When the team doesn't agree.....

The last few days have been challenging. My sweet mom is worried about me. It's to be expected, I'll always be her baby regardless of age. She's not quite on board with my chosen path. I'm not surprised, she's a nurse. My mom has seen many things as a nurse, death being one of them. She really wants me to do whatever I can to stay alive. Actually we want the same thing, we just have different ideas on how to get there. It's not easy to see my mom hurting, worried and scared. It's even harder to know that I have something to do with what she's feeling. Jesus. Jesus is the only balm that will give her comfort. He's the only one bringing me comfort. I know that physically I have cancer but this is about so much more than the cancer itself. This is my walk on water experience. I've stepped out of the boat, and now I must keep my eyes on Him. I know if I look to the right or left I will sink. I've locked eyes with my maker and he's calling me to deeper waters. With one foot in front of the other I'm making my way right to the place he has called me. It's not easy, it's unconventional, it's radical and many won't understand. Heck, I'm still trying to understand! The only comfort I can offer is that my hope is  in Christ. I trust Him with my life. I'm not anti-medicine, I live in a community of doctors. I am anti poison, which in my opinion that's what chemo is. I am willing to reasses as necassary. I'm not say I'll never do chemo. I am saying I don't have peace about it at this time. I will listen to any compelling argument, data, statistics and stories with an open mind and heart. However, we may have to agree to disagree. If you think that will hurt our friendship, I would rather be your friend!

Today I'm thankful that each day I have more clarity and resolve than the day before. I'm thankful for my relationship with my children. I'm thankful that my children know Christ and their faith is rooted in Him. 

What the Kale!!!

My friend called me the other day and said, " I'll have some kale for you on Thursday". I never imagined that it would be a huge sackful, garbage bag size full!! I was so thankful (and a little overwhelmed )!!! I'm cleaning it now.  I'll have to freeze some and get a thousand recipes for the rest. Right now, kale = cupcakes!!! Yummy kale!!! ( that was a joke, I like kale but ummm.......) 

I also had another sweet friend offer to grow me some kale and anything else that would be helpful. Wow, I don't deserve such sweet friends. I love each and every one of them. Seriously, this is hard!!! Really hard. I wouldn't be able to do this without experiencing God's. He often uses my friends as an expression of His love for me. 

Let me tell ya, I have NO idea what to do with people and their cancer advice. I really, really don't. I also don't know how to respond when people tell me about all the people they know that DIED from cancer. I like to talk and I'm never at a loss for words but, I think I've met my match. The blank stare seems a bit rude but that's all I've got. Usually I'm thinking scriptures in my head, but in the moment I stand before them in shock. ( why are you telling me death stories) I know they mean well, really I do. That does not make it easier. Every person's journey is different.

I've decided to get the PET scan. It's Monday. I really don't want to get it. So, on Monday don't come around or I might harm you with my radio active power ( joking again, slightly ) I can't be around people for 4 hours!!! 

I am so happy tonight, my girls are home from camp! They had an amazing time, miracles happened, lives were changed!!! I got just what I prayed for.

This is them before camp with Max photo bombing!

Today I'm thanking God that my girls made it home safely. I'm thankful that I didn't have huge sugar withdrawals when I stopped cold turkey. I'm thankful for this outlet to express my thoughts.