I have started this post more times than I can count. The truth is I really want to let you all know how much I struggled in 2015. I don't like complaining and I rarely do it. However, I want to keep it REAL! I want to tell you that for the first time EVER in my life I questioned my faith. The chemo wore me out! I could not believe that my God would allow me to endure hell on earth. I was sick every single day. I regret the day I chose to do conventional treatment. I am sad that I've lost the ability to have children. I hated radiation. I would cry on the table as I imagined what the treatment was doing to my insides. I really wished I could have been like other people that imagined that radiation healing their bodies,
not burning it up! I never got there. It was mental torture!!! I missed having my mother in law around ( she died right as I was being diagnosed). This list could go on!!! I've never experienced anything quite like this year. I felt like I was in a war zone (literally). I had to remind myself daily that I was promised a victorious ending in Christ. I had to remind myself that God was indeed for me and NOT against me. I even reminded myself that if he chose to call me home, I would be with Him forever. I had to apply EVERYTHING I knew about God to my life crisis!! EVERYTHING!!! I had so many question, objections and arguments for the Father. I told Him a million other ways he could have gotten my attention, why cancer?
Now that I have gotten that off my chest............
The Lord never left me. I was mean (really feisty) and broken before HIM. I didn't want to need EVERYTHING I had learned of Him. I did NOT read my Bible during chemo, not once. I was too upset. However, I saw his hand at work every day during that time. My children were well cared for by my community of friends and family. I never drove to an appointment. Every bill was and has been paid on time. The yard was maintained, the house was kept, the fridge was full. I can not list every blessing. I am also very thankful for praying friends, they prayed for me when I couldn't
wouldn't pray for myself.
I am not done with this journey but I know He is with me and He will get all the glory........